Dust Settles on a Marriage

I felt gratitude for my ex husband choosing to leave me.  If not for his choice, I would not have the life I have now.  My kids in the car were happy, as far as teenagers are willing to express such happiness.  I had this overwhelming hope that their father was as happy about our marriage ending as I am.  It was a genuine moment of gratitude toward him and a moment where I hoped he had the same joy and optimism toward a new future that I do. 

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Walking Tall

The woman that taught me that identity is in how we walk. It’s also in how we talk, breathe and exist.

"Do you know who you are? Your bloodline is stronger than that backbone right now.  Sit up straight.  You need to walk tall like the history of the women in our lives made sacrifices and fought hard so you could live the life you have."

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A Powerful Woman

When dating was a priority and I treated it like a job, I often had men tell me I was intimidating.  That was hard. I was too intimidating for a second date.  I was too intense, although no one could explain what intensity meant.  It took a while to realize that a man being intimidated by me, does not make me intimidating.  I mean, I would still date me. 

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Self-Soothing and Raising Men

He wasn’t someone that could handle himself out in the world.  He still needed others to blame and others to carry him.  He was all about doing the easy thing, and never the right thing. He wanted life handed to him on a platter.  I think that was the first time I realized no one pays you to be a pussy in life. I can’t grow with someone I need to mother.  I walked away. 

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Sexuality and Body Confidence

I don’t need to say what I will or won’t take in a relationship just as I don’t need to say I’m in charge.  It’s in what interests me.  It’s in the authority I live in.  It’s in how easily I give things a hard pass or what boundaries I set up. It’s what I allow to happen and how I allow others to talk to me.  I don’t feel like I need to make myself a certain way. 

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Angry Black Woman

I release the many things I can't control and find a way to micromanage the little bit I can control.  And I fire my vitriol out, instead of in.  My snark goddess bathes in the blood of my enemies.  I let it out.  There is no ghettoized Nubian Princess. My outward aggression does not need to do the dance that inspires fear.  I am the Reigning Queen over all I command.  I'll remind you that you're not paid to act like a pussy.  I'll remind you that you are a bad-ass in your own right and you don't need to settle for less out of fear of loneliness.

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Getting Past Embarrassment

I blushed on Thursday and it was epic.

We had a company meeting where I asked a question that highlighted the fact that I really didn't understand what we sell. In front of my boss. In front of the CEO's. In front of the people that mistake me for a manager (I am not). It was an all-hands meeting and I stood up with a microphone in front of the entire company. I know my job in billing, but my understanding of our product was disjointed and in describing what I thought we need, I was explaining that I didn't understand part of our partnerships. I blushed with embarrassment. I felt the heat in my face and broke a sweat in my pits. It was awesome. 

The unique thing is I don't often blush. It's not just about having dark skin. I just don't often feel things that spark that kind of physical reaction. Maybe it's from having enough confidence, or various experiences in life. I've caught projectile vomit in my hand and continued conversations as if my kid just asked me to pass the salt. Maybe my walls of protection are that thick. It's just rare. I can talk to strangers. I can feel anxiety when I can't control something, but I'm rarely embarrassed about it. I can be vulnerable if I feel that space is safe enough to be. I rarely feel a fight or flight reaction strong enough to make me blush though.

Last weekend a friend took me to a Korean Day Spa. We walked around completely naked with other women walking around completely naked. When I told her I blushed at work, she pointed out that I wasn't even blushing for her that day.  My biggest thing was figuring out where to look so I wasn't making others uncomfortable.  But I wasn't blushing. I was awed and inspired by the other women that weren't blushing and were comfortable in their skin, in all shapes, with all kinds of scars from the lives we get to live.  

I left that space of embarrassment feeling amazing. There's growth and learning when what you know becomes what you feel. The heat rushing through me felt powerful. It was a stretch that I embraced. It's a stretch I needed. If I'm embarrassed, it's an area I get to grow in, and I did.  Half an hour after that meeting, I could explain exactly what I didn't know and the limitations of one way integrations.  I learned more than I set out to discover. 

This relates to my bigger picture. I'm accepting that a single parent in Los Angeles is as tough as it has been. I'm starting a new venture in insurance sales, and working on getting a license as a side hustle. I've never been comfortable with sales. Selling stuff was always uncomfortable.  I was embarrassed to try to convince someone to buy something I would probably never buy for myself. I was selling whitening toothpaste for a bit and I'm so grateful for the ways it was paying my bills, but without reaching out for that constant coaching, my short lived business venture died.  I wasn't passionate about selling whitening toothpaste or other beauty products because I'm the type of girl that usually doesn't bother to take off my makeup at night.  There are some things in life I don't care much about and my appearance is usually one of those things. 

I just had a conversation about my job this morning.  I love what I do. I handle A/R , or accounts receivable, or collections.  Many names for a job that is all about bringing in money owed to us. Most people see that as a hard job because most people avoid bill collectors, but it feels good.  I get to re-sell a product I believe in when people question the value we offer.  I get to support people that genuinely need help when they can't pay their bills.  And I get to run credit card payments all day.  I love what I do, but having a job I love as much as I do has taught me that sales for me isn't about convincing someone to buy what I have, but providing something I believe in and feel they need. I've enrolled so many people in my belief in what we sell because I'm so passionate about it.  

My thing with insurance is that it's an extension of something I'm already passionate about.  In taking control of my life, I started with my checkbook.  I needed to learn about money and it's what I set out to do.  I met a friend who works through Wold System Builder selling insurance, and they're offering free Financial Literacy courses.  I was excited.  Each week I show up after work and learn with others that have similar goals to mine. As I'm learning about paying down debt and planning for retirement, my lack of planning for my kids really hit hard.  I need to know that I'll be taken care of as I age, but also that they'll be taken care of after I'm gone, and I realized that this is a steeper climb than I ever thought it could be. 

As a special needs mom in Los Angeles, I can tell you about Supplemental Security Income, In Home Supportive Services, the ASDA Special Dog Allowance, Respite Care through Regional Center, and some really nifty provisions in the Americans with Disabilities Act. What I am learning is that all of these programs rely on the fact that you have very little and they expect you to keep very little of it to qualify for services.  So the more I make, the less my kids are entitled to.  It makes sense, but when I'm gone, that payment from the government will not be enough.  They won't be able to live on their own and having a small income with a need to rely on someone else could set them up to be victimized by someone else.  As I'm learning about insurance and finances, I'm learning how important it is to set up a Special Needs Trust account with an ABLE account that I can't even get in California yet.  I'm learning about setting up annuities so my adult kids can later get a monthly allowance to manage their needs appropriately if they're unable to keep a job.  I'm learning that life insurance should cover the final costs of a funeral, but I also need to consider that insurance is designed to replace me.  My income.  My ability to cover housing costs.  What if I go before I've figured out the future costs of my children's college education?  I'm learning that even if I set money aside in a product I'm not meticulously managing, it can be taxed away by the government or not enough because of a bank making money off of me while paying me very little for letting them hold it.  What about inflation? Remember when a quarter could cover a payphone call or a postage stamp? Or five pieces of candy at 7-Eleven? I do.  As I'm learning, my passion is taking over any embarrassment I had over trying to sell a product. 

My embarrassment is making way for my passion. My passion means I don't have to persuade people to buy what I'm selling.  I'm just someone willing to provide what I feel everyone should have. That's not really sales, and I don't have to be embarrassed about it. 

 

Self Sabotaging Behaviors

I like the idea of close relationships but I find I've been sabotaging that. 

I self sabotage at work.  I am fairly engaged with the people I work with when it's about work.  When it's my lunch, I tend to take it alone and about two hours after everyone else.  

I self sabotage when I'm off too.  I like posts on Facebook.  I might send a quick text when I have my kids and I'm "too busy" to actually spend time with people. When I'm kid free and off work, I'm usually alone unless someone reaches out to me and asks me to write it in my calendar.  I have a calendar.  It's mainly empty, but I'm somehow always busy.  I find new pins for my Pinterest Boards, or I make lists of things I want to do, and I try to justify why I prefer to do these things alone. 

I self sabotage when I'm setting goals.  I plan a million things I need to do but always make space for things I want to do. This means my serious goals are replaced by the noise I choose over the lyrics in life. I want to write a book, but instead I use those golden pre-dawn hours to lie in bed and check out social media.  

I self sabotage in relationships, choosing Mr. Right Now instead of waiting for the one.  There were lessons I needed to learn.  I needed to see who I am reflected in what was so attractive about him. 

Lessons are everywhere if you look hard enough.  Over a year ago I met a woman and we shared our experiences at the end of a marriage. She shared with me how she threw it all away for something she didn't want and she knew it was temporary feeling.  She was hurting so much over it and in having nothing but compassion for the woman across from me that had not hurt me, I realized that she was so miserable in her marriage, she chose self sabotage.  It was so much easier to step into a situation she had always rejected than to admit she was unhappy in her marriage. She did something so terrible in her eyes that the marriage had to end. 

I was able to look at it differently.  I saw that she was in so much pain that doing something terrible sounded like a better excuse to end things.  She couldn't defend her feelings so she sacrificed who she is as an excuse to end something that was hurting her enough to make her into someone she was not. Self sabotage was far better than ending a marriage.

Self sabotage isn't something we can easily see for what it is.  No one says, "I'm going to destroy all I have and how others see me." We take defensive actions.  In marriage, I began telling lies because it was easier to make up what I think he wanted to hear than to tell him how I really felt and what I really thought.  Someone else may cheat because something temporary and exciting is better than facing a partner that is no longer exciting or wonderful. We may make mistakes at work or let apathy set in.  We should love the job that pays well and offers great benefits, but what if it makes us miserable? There's a disconnect between what is and what should be and that leaves us feeling guilt and frustration that we can't justify. We are not trying to break what we have.  We're self soothing and it can be destructive. 

Our actions often become that cry for help that we can't hear.  It's when we allow others to see us fall apart, that the choice to change or end things can be taken from us. In my last relationship, I let apathy set in.  I was no longer trying to make him happy but it was reciprocated.  We were a broken team and we were just trying to scrape by.  I was regularly ignoring his needs and he was lashing out in response. When it ended, I certainly missed him, but the relief I felt was stronger than the pain of losing him. He was miserable with me too and I'm sure he is happier living his life without me. When things ended, our paths shifted.  

The thing with a path that is redirected is that path is often right-directed.  There's a shift and transition that comes with self sabotage. What we were so heavily relying on is so often shattered until we're left with the core of who we are.  We get so used to living a life that is not our own.  We get used to living through a shell of our abilities because we never had the opportunity to really see who we were while living the expectation of what we believe we should be seen as. 

This is when you discover that you're stronger than you think you are.  

This is where you learn that you are more than what you can do for others because there is a world of all you get to do for yourself.  

You learn that you don't need to rely on others as heavily because when pushed out on a ledge, you find that you can flex your own muscles and that you are powerful when you learn to stand.  You don't need to puff up and you no longer feel like you need to shrink.  You stand in the authority of who you are. 

When you get to this point, it's easy to remember what you did wrong, and it's hard to decide that a mistake is actually what you got right, but there it is.  You are not greater than your dreams or your destiny.  You are not greater than your God or the Universe.  What is for you is yours and you can't ruin or destroy it.  Nothing is about what has happened to you.  You aren't powerful enough to change the greatness in your future. You take a responsibility stand point and decide that all that has happened in life was happening for you and the gift is for you to unpack and unwrap.  Who you are is more than you see in the mirror because you spent so much time looking at who you were told you are.  You peel off layers and disappointments and you see how amazing and beautiful you really are.  

It's a lesson I'm learning.  This weekend I admitted to a friend that I'm not big on hanging out and that I'm usually alone. I don't know where it started to feel safer alone than with others, but somehow that happened and it was more of an internal shift than anyone doing something to make me feel afraid of friendships. It's something I want to change. 

Tonight I was in a rare mood to reach out.  I called 9 people.  Of those 9, one answered but didn't recognize my number.  Two texted so we can connect at a later time, and one of those two called me back and refilled my cup that was empty.  She helped me be gentle with myself and showed me more compassion than I was showing myself. That was genuine feedback for me. 

As I called contact after contact, leaving a voicemail where I could, I had so many feelings of guilt. These are all people I genuinely care about but I had so seldom showed up for them.  How would I react to a number I'm not used to seeing? Would I answer? There are a few people I would answer for, no matter what.  Am I that person for anyone that isn't my immediate family? In reality, everyone is typically busy and not everyone has time or energy for a random call.  I'm often recovering from something or other and my energy reserves are low enough to not want to engage.  I'm not taking it personally, but my guilt is nudging me.  There are so many in my life that I love and care about but I don't show them.  I rarely call.  I don't reach out.  I live my life and watch through social media when I was once in those posts with them. 

It's a reminder that my voice matters and I don't have to continue what I've been doing.  I don't have to destroy what is.  I'm not a tree. I can move or shift and change.  I don't need to self-sabotage.  I get to course correct instead.  

Why Would I Lay it All Out There?

Monday afternoon as I was heading out for lunch, I happened to be leaving the office at the same time as a co-worker. It happens.  Our schedules are flexible and we take lunch when we want to.  I just typically prefer to dine or walk alone. I don't hate people, I just really love my solitude.  We struck up a conversation that lead into him treating me to lunch and we shared about our lives and families.  He told me me that he's a very private person and I laughed as I told him about my blog.  He was genuinely supportive, but we're different people.

Much of my family is very private. I am not.  Growing up, my Dad always told us that "whatever is hidden will be shouted on the rooftops." I came to understand that whatever I wanted to keep private would ultimately come out and burn me. Or shame me. Or burn bridges for me. 

As a mom, I started feeling that if I didn't want anyone to know about what I was doing, I probably shouldn't do it.  I don't ask my kids to keep secrets. It's unfair to them and it just means that if they're angry with me, my secrets will end up as something they'll share later. I know because we've had many laughs over things meant to be kept secret during car rides. It helps that I'm so open and honest with my boys.  They see my good side and all of my bad.  I remember asking my kids what they think about the changes in our home, since it was just me and them. Kid2 noted that now "mom is working on keeping it real." At the heart of who I am and what I give them, they love and accept me as I am.  They know they can call me out when I'm being hypocritical and they do.  And in transparency, I get to call out my faults, apologize and rebound powerfully.  But why would I share it outside of my home? Why would I keep a blog about it all? 

At first, blogging was free therapy.  Writing was really hard for several months.  Anytime I tried to write more than two sentences, I would trash it.  It wasn't worthy of the paper I wasted. I had it in my head (because my ex put the thought there) that my love of reading and writing was what ended my marriage.  I couldn't do it.  Once I began to purge and explore what love and life and being me outside of marriage was, the words began to flow and my healing began. 

I was writing out my thoughts and anxieties.  I was writing my hopes and dreams.  I was writing. And slowly, people were starting to read what I wrote. I don't have many followers and I don't make money off of my blog, but I write and it resonates and that feedback is my payment. 

Every once in a while, I'll get a response or a comment from someone that could relate to my words.  I offer insight or healing, or maybe a mirror.  I take what life hands me and I beat it out with my finger tips and as my bleeding flows out, healing happens for me, and in some way, it helps others heal. We're living in a time when answers are found online, and even if the answers aren't healing, in some ways, you can search for my healing.  

When I miscarried in April, it was a flood gate for my family.  I wrote about my grief in the days where it was most powerful for me. I left it all in that post, and to this day have a hard time going back to read it. Miscarriage is rarely talked about because it's so uncomfortable.  People have a hard time imagining losing a child because it's not how it's supposed to be.  The point of parenting is to do your job so well each day, that each day your children are one step closer to life without you. One day, you'll leave this world and you shouldn't have to know what it is to lose your child.  You're supposed to make your children orphans when they are grown enough that they can survive with your memories. With my loss, my mom was able to grieve the loss of her twins over 50 years ago. Family talked about their miscarriages or simply held space because they knew what I was going through. 

When I write about suicide, it's from the stand point of someone that has been there and known what it was like to weigh the reasons to live or to die.  I've held knives to my skin and counted out pain pills on a table.  I've known depression for years and can tell you that suicidal thoughts are not about the people that would survive.  In my darkest hours, it's never occurred to me what I would put my family through.  It was always a place so dark, I couldn't imagine clawing my way out.  I couldn't imagine seeing change in the next day because I couldn't see past the next hour.  It's been called selfishness, but not in the way that most people think.  You are not using selfishness to take something from someone else. It's selfishness because it doesn't occur to you to think outside of yourself.  And I write because I know there's help. I know there's hope.  I know these feelings cycle and wash over you in waves, and if you can wait long enough, it'll fade.  And there's medication, and there's therapy.  There are friends that will sit with you, and hospitals that will guard you so you don't harm yourself.  I write to help.  

I write about being abandoned and surviving the end of a marriage because it's not easy and I know I'm not the only one. Yes, you are stronger than you think. You will love life as the head of your suddenly peaceful home.  You'll figure out what it's like to go on your first date in a decade and a half.  You'll figure out the good and the bad that is online dating.  I have a whole series on how to spot a cat fish. You'll get a new sense of what matters to you and discover the areas where you made choices based on someone else's desires and call it compromise.  You'll grieve.  It's not just the mate you chose but the life you planned.  What you planned included someone else and those dreams and hopes will shift into a solitary journey and it's not nearly as fun as planning a life with someone else. You'll explore the ways you've walled off your heart and you'll see the ways you still believe in love.  And you'll get to remember what it's like to have a first crush after only looking at your spouse, and seeing true possibility like you haven't as a spouse.  And you'll get to fall in love all over again.  

I touch on domestic violence. It's not always about being hit.  It rarely starts with violence.  It looks like financial abuse and control. It looks like an impossible financial accountability that usually comes with a double standard. I write about gas lighting and the different ways I questioned what I knew to be true because I was made to feel crazy.  I write about emotional abuse and manipulation.  My therapist felt it was an incredible breakthrough for me when I sat on her cream colored couch, holding a pillow and crying out loud, "I am an abused woman." It was a starting point and breaking the cycle of what I allowed is still something I'm working on. I write so I can support others in that. 

I write about being an autism mom but it's not my sole focus.  While it's important to advocate for your kids and be well versed in policies so you can paper tiger through IEP's, I also feel it's important that I protect them by giving them space from my writing.  At the same time, mothering them is like breathing.  It doesn't matter as much that they are autistic as it did when they were first diagnosed.  When they were first diagnosed, I was so broken by the goals and dreams I had for them, that suddenly had nowhere to go.  What I wanted and expected shifted.  And I learned it's not about me.  It was a lesson that took years.  It hit me one Mother's Day.  I felt cheated out of my day for another year.  (This happened all the time until I started buying my own presents). I realized Mother's Day isn't about the mom. It's about graciously accepting whatever your children have for you so they can learn what it is to give.  It's about showing them how much you value their consideration and how much love you can show them.  I'm an autism mom but autism is so much a part of who we are that it's no longer an identity. It's who we are as a family. Autism matters less than how much they know they're loved and accepted. 

I think the biggest part of me I want to share is my drive to be a better person.  I do collections for work, and today I set up payments for a woman paying her father's debt as he's no longer able to.  It broke my heart that this is what I'm doing, but it's my job.  I approached it with love and compassion and by the end of the call, she was thanking me and telling me it was the nicest collections call she had ever been on. It's easy to approach life with anger and hate.  It's everywhere and you don't often have to dig deep for it.  My goal is to be the person I want my kids to have as an example.  I want to live in integrity and show indomitable character. When my marriage was first ending, I was incapable of that.  As I'm spending more time writing, I'm more reflective and intentional with my actions.  I'm more self aware of my thoughts (and boy have I had a potty mouth lately). Writing keeps me accountable.  

And writing helps me get stronger. I had a conversation with my boss last week where his decision wasn't one I agreed with.  It took a few hours, but before the day ended, I walked over to him and took a seat and I explained why I disagreed.  He is the Controller for my company. He's intelligent and dominant.  I totally admire him and I was absolutely intimidated.  Speaking up like that is something I've never been able to do in romantic relationships and this is a man that could decide to fire me.  I was telling him I thought he was wrong.  Yesterday he took me out to lunch (part of our team's budget).  He showed me that my opinion was valued and also gave me guidance on approaching things next time.  He encouraged me to distance myself so I don't burn out, while the CFO called my anger, "passion for what you do." I've mentioned I love my job and my team, right? I would have never been able to have that conversation if it were five years ago. 

I take the good, the bad, the painful and the messy and I share it.  I write vulnerably because no matter how it lands and whether or not it's accepted, it's transparent, and holding it in serves no one.  Sharing it out can support someone express what they feel.  I write because I know others can relate and find healing.  It's not for likes or shares.  I really don't get those. It's not for money.  It's about connection. It's for me and it's for anyone that comes across my blog.