I filed for divorce a while back. That seemed so monumental that the days after it were waves of change for me. If you're so inclined . . . Click here.
From the time I filed for divorce, there was a delay. Most of it was my lack of knowledge. As empowered as I was to get it started on my own, at the end of the day, there's a reason why lawyers are hired. My attempts to finalize things on my own were repeatedly rejected before I asked for support and found an attorney I could afford.
For a few months now, I had gotten in the habit of checking the court website. I wanted to see where things were and if there was any change. On Friday, I saw that a judgement was entered. My first thought was disbelief. After all of this time I was surprised and kept checking the date. By the time I accepted it, I couldn't sit still. I was fidgeting and excited.
I immediately left for lunch and walked to the Lone Wolf on the 3rd Street Promenade for a couple of cigars. One was my go-to Nicaraguan and the other was a Cuban cigar. I then walked to the Pandora shop for my latest charm. I chose a dragonfly because for me, it symbolizes change and deeper meaning through transformation. Butterflies and dragonflies. That's me. It seemed fitting.
Once I got home, I found the packet from court in my mailbox. I skimmed each page, then read through it a second time, word for word. My day was punctuated with giggles and random dancing. I repeated my name over and over because it was mine again. Just a few months shy of 18 years, I have been Yessica Maher and once again, I am Yessica Reedy. That's very nearly half my life. I began changing my name on social media. Each time I liked a post on Facebook, my name popped up and it made me giggle.
There's been random dancing and giddiness. There have been messages and congratulations from friends who know the road this has been. I get to go to Social Security for a new card. I remember when I first changed my name. We walked into the Social Security office in Glendale together and we were so excited and happy. I'm going alone to change my name and I'm happy about that too. Giving up my birth name was the first fight I lost. It was important to him that his wife have his name. It was important to me that I kept my name and now I get to take it back. I get to sit in DMV for several hours to change my name! The earliest available appointment is the end of August but I simply can't wait that long.
Before I met my ex husband, I didn't want kids. I had seen the foster kids that were in and out of my mom's house. So much pain and trauma meant some of them had a lot to work through and it seemed like more work than it was worth. I didn't want any of that. When I met him, there was something about him I wanted more of. He seemed to know his way around cars. At least more than I did. He liked fishing. I had early experiences of fishing with my Dad and here was a man that loved fishing and wanted to take me with him. He was into me and he wanted my forever. I wanted kids because of him. I wanted to see more of who he was in the world through our kids. At the end of the day, our kids have all of our best parts. The parts of me I hated as a kid are seen in my kids and I get to heal through loving the parts of me that I hated in myself, but love in my children. There was good and clearly there was bad in my marriage. In it all I'm grateful for what it was and grateful for the next chapter in my life.
There was a moment this weekend where the sun was setting and I had just left an afternoon with family, celebrating a baby shower for my first grandnephew. I felt so much joy and so much peace. I felt gratitude for my ex husband choosing to leave me. If not for his choice, I would not have the life I have now. My kids in the car were happy, as far as teenagers are willing to express such happiness. I had this overwhelming hope that their father was as happy about our marriage ending as I am. It was a genuine moment of gratitude toward him and a moment where I hoped he had the same joy and optimism toward a new future that I do.
All of the malice and anger went away.
When I left the office Friday, I planned a night on my porch with a bit of whiskey and a Cuban cigar. I've been too bubbly to sit still long enough for that. I'm sure things will settle and that sip and smoke will call to me. For now I'm enjoying this ride.