When we do things repeatedly, we create neural pathways. This is like going to work each day and taking the same path. The more familiar you are with it, the faster you go and it requires less thought.

I was thinking about my Dad and step-Dad. I think about them often because they were such a huge part of my life for so long. But it’s more than that. I have made neural pathways for their existence. Sometimes a scent, or location, or thought will take me right to them, and it causes me to forget, quite often that they’re no longer here. The holidays where I’d reach out have no one to reach out to. The moments when I feel like I need someone to just listen, I now have a list to go through, instead of just a name on my favorites list that was my go to for most things.

Even in relationships that aren’t parental, we create neural pathways. We get used to hearing from someone throughout the day, or we have a pattern of getting home and checking in on them. We create habits around the people in our lives. Sometimes a shift occurs and the people in our lives are no longer in our lives. The habits and patterns are still there, but they suddenly lead to very different outcomes.

A friend reached out to me feeling lost in the first two weeks of her marital separation last night. My advice was first and will always be to consider therapy. Then I told her to find the things that make her happy and do them. You need to find the things that lead to happiness, especially when it’s no longer a spouse. You are more than your relationship to a person and the many ways you fit your life around them. The transitions are rough, but you can do hard things.

Build new neural pathways. New trips to happy town. New outcomes for those times when you are looking for something that no longer exists. Things get better.