Well after the sun melted into the sea and as the moon began to rise in the east my thoughts drifted into a longing for the past. Hours stretched before me as I avoided the crush and rush of Friday evening traffic. I remembered a time when I lived for the sun. My joy was renewed with a sunset or the feel of the sun on my skin, kissed softly by the gentlest breezes. I felt so alive underneath the sun, rising before it and racing it to the ocean to say, "goodnight."
He walked into my life. I found someone and I let him in and once he came in, I made him my world. This time I saw and I felt and I knew that this would not be forever and one day we'd say our final farewell. He had all of the good and all of the bad but all that he was became all that I loved. Together we created life and we survived our loss in death. We pulled together until we pulled apart and I learned that I could let him go and release has nothing to do with how much I loved him. It was time to walk away and in parting I saw my reflection in his mirror. I was just as incapable of being vulnerable with him as he was with me and our pride wore thin the mask of connection we tried to share. We let go and turned away and I stand alone.
Tonight I stared into the sky at shapeless light. Through a haze of clouds created with ephemeral wisps of ice, she was huge and standing proudly. The obscurity of what was before me was so small and insignificant to the moon above.
As the earth orbits, the moon dances around us, unaffected by the surface but held by all we are. She doesn't stray and she doesn't mind earthquakes and fires. She doesn't fear our rain and floods. She is present and powerful just by being. The light of the moon reflected the sun's glory as it blazed on the other side of the earth, unaware and uncaring of what it does to the moon through it's many phases. The moon was large and low in the sky but the light it borrowed from the sun didn't make it any less beautiful. As the moon rose through the night sky, the ocean stretched to meet her, to worship her. Many generations have celebrated the sun, then the moon in wonder and supplication. I looked at the moon and a smile crept through me as I realized, she's still here and she never left. I made him my world and the moon whispered I only let him into my world.
He was the lion. He held the sun. The cold of his shade burned brighter than the heat of his passion. He was both large and small. A man and a child I wanted to care for. To give him the world I had to release him from mine. We parted ways and I silently thanked him for allowing me to love again, to trust again, to believe again. I saw our limitations and our boundless abilities and all that we were was set to drift into the other until it faded rather than flourished. And I am still here.
As I sat in my car, waiting for the veil of ice to melt and clear my widows, I remembered who I am and all I do. I remembered that I can and do trust myself to wake up in the morning, and be all and do all so that I can care for myself and my children. I trust myself and I love myself.
I raced toward the moon that rose higher above me as I was east and the moon rose west. I have always been all and everything. I've been the sun that could brighten the world, incapable of casting shadows from my light. I am the moon, dark and powerful. I was the earth, growing and shifting. I'm the seas with unlimited life. I am the blowing winds of change. I am the erupting caldera volcano, holding in and exploding out. I am the mountains, beautiful curves and rounded reflection of femininity. I am the shifting seasons. Uncontrolled and controlling as the rest of the world prepares to face me. I am still here and I am still powerful.
I made him my world, but only because I chose to give him that power. That power is only mine to give. It is only mine to take back and control. The love that was given was never lost, and the ache of longing reminds me we shattered what was broken so it can grow from a new place. A stronger place. As spring melts the ice into water that feeds what is buried, I will see new life break through the ground in tender, bright green and buds that bloom into flowers. Spring is coming and I am still here.
