Charles Dickens started A Tale of Two Cities with:
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way—in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.
My year was about balance. I had amazing highs and devastating lows and my biggest takeaway was in the lessons learned, and the way my heart stretched.
In Love
I met someone special. He was intelligent and so sexy. I probably cared about his body as much as he did. Maybe more. So much of the rejection I faced at the end of my marriage made me reject him at first. There was a first date and I was ready for that to be the end. I did that to everyone. He insisted on a second date and we were inseparable until my fear kicked in. He was patient and he wanted me to let him in. I kept pushing him away in the harshest of ways because I was afraid to make space for him. I was afraid to allow him in because I would be giving him a position and the power to hurt me.
I did let him in and for the first time I felt like a teenager again. I felt the rush of falling that goes far beyond the crushes I allowed myself to have. I remembered what it was to fight for someone again, instead of pushing them away and enjoying my solitude. (Maybe there was both.)
I learned that I can love again. I can fall hard, I can love deeply. I can live with someone else and I can compromise on the big things. I can cook for someone else and make sure his laundry is done. I can argue while sitting next to him and we can share a pint of ice cream while listening to him talk about the latest intriguing article he read or the fascinating existence of bugs. I can trust someone enough to fall asleep in his arms while we watched late night sitcoms from the 90's. I felt safe with my hand over his heart and the soft beating under my fingertips was my lullaby.
I can let go because love means recognizing that love isn't enough and we deserve more than we can give each other. One day I get to fall in love again. We were all about balance until the scales tipped for the last time.
Babies
I felt like I was done with kids, and when I first found out I was pregnant I was mortified. I wasn't ready for a lifetime with my lover. I just wanted to enjoy the fun we had. I wasn't ready to start over with a child. I lost my gall bladder and somehow that baby survived and split into twins. When they survived my surgery, I realized they were all I wanted.
Years ago my ex husband said he wanted more babies and I decided to get my tubes tied. The surgery was scheduled but he wanted out of the marriage and there was no point in birth control if sex wasn't on my horizon.
This year I was in love and being irresponsible when we got pregnant and I was reminded that I love being pregnant. I was reminded that I love babies. I just didn't want to feel like I was on my own as a mom. I felt so much joy as my body began to shift for them. I was so moved by how excited their Dad was. We talked about putting them into sports and how we would raise them. I felt so high and in love and then they were taken from us.
I've never known anything more devastating than losing our babies after knowing they were within me. They taught me that I would be okay with being pregnant. Their loss taught me so much about how strong I was because I had to fake it until I felt it. I felt so much good and so much bad and my babies gave me balance in all they gave me to feel.
My Career
I spent so much time as a stay at home mom that finally entering the work force was difficult. The only consistent work I could find was through temp agencies. These assignments were short term, and ended with little or no notice for the most part. There were no benefits and I didn't get paid if I didn't work, so holidays were unpaid.
(I learned that even if you do work a 40 hour week, companies don't all have to offer benefits.)
I'm now in a position where I love the work I do. I'm treated like they want me to stay. The first time I used sick time because I felt sick, I nearly cried. It meant so much to me. I work for a company that cares about their employees. I know that if I'm not feeling well, I'm expected to get the rest I need. I'm given space to work remotely when I need to. It was a rough couple of years but in all, 2017 gave me some low lows, and some really high moments in my career.
2017 Paved the Way for So Much More in 2018
This year, like all years, there is balance. There is good. There is bad. There are lessons. There are moments when you shrink back because life gives too much, and there are times when you stretch because you want more of what life is trying to offer you. You hold and honor anything important enough to make you feel something, and you release it so your hands are open for the next thing. It will be the better thing that is aligned with making you learn and grow. In these lessons are tremendous rewards.