Blog by Yessica Maher, los Angeles Native.

She explores life after marriage, starting a career in her late 30's, relationships, breaking cycles of abuse, online dating, self care, fertility and depression. 

It's all over the place, but so is living. 

Words Around the Watercooler

I had a watercooler conversation this morning that stayed with me most of the day.  There was a comment that was nonchalant, but shifted so much into place for me.  I don't want to misquote him but he pointed out that some people are dating online because of a very specific and necessary reason, and it's not just convenience.  I'm not into the bar scene because I don't drink. For me . . . For him . . . online dating is about convenience.

Last night I was doing a little shopping.  My girl Victoria keeps telling me her Secrets and the latest bit was about her semi-annual sale and how happy she could make me.  I happened to share this information and I probably shouldn't have because it resulted in the question about pictures.  It's never just about a picture, and it's not about seeing the inside of my nose. We had been having normal conversations so I tried to be playful and point out that Victoria's Secrets are now mine and a matter of great importance.  He asked again, stating that secrets are meant to be shared.  I told him he'd never make it to the CIA.  He then asked if my boobs were about national security and I even pointed out that if I were his, he wouldn't appreciate it if I were sharing my body like Costco samples to any man that asked. He wanted to see my flexibility in action and that was when I was done.  He later excused his behavior as having a little fun and it occurred to me that his idea of fun was to make me feel like less than a person with thoughts, ideas and feelings. I did give him something special and individual.  He's now blocked from reaching me by phone.

There was a skater/guitarist that was once featured here.  He wanted to see me tonight but made a comment that made it clear what his intentions were.  I decided seeing the ocean was more important than seeing him.

One man keeps complaining I'm always busy and hardly make time for him.  I flat out told him that I am a busy person, and probably not the one for him.  He insists he doesn't give up that easily.  I don't know how to tell him I want him to without facing another man tantrum.  Those often come with my rejections.

It's about 1 in the morning and there is a man that has been texting me for two days now.  Two whole days.  He says he wants to be part of my everyday life. I'm beautiful and he's got a deep connection.  I tell him I want to slow things down, but I should just tell him he's creeping me out when he tells me about the long term relationship he needs with me because he is falling for me.  Two days people.

I'm not cut out for online dating and maybe it's really not just me. I'm holding on to what Mr. Curious and Profoundly Observant said today.  I deleted 4 dating app accounts, and the 5th will go away when the paid subscription runs out. I'm saying my farewells to the men that make me hate the sound of an alert on my phone because they are harshing my mellow.  I will continue to say hello to cute strangers driving alongside me, and I may even lower my windows so they can hear me.  I'll find the bravery that is pretty deeply hidden and be authentic with what I want.  I went to Santa Monica tonight but avoided the end of the pier with the photographer because I am a chicken.  Eventually I'll be honest and upfront when I tell him he's not the one for me and I won't lie and say I'm not dating.  I am.  Just not him.  And not anyone else that finds me online and wants to know my bra size without spending a moment in my head.

I really do direct men to my blog and they very rarely read it and if they do, they don't stick around.  It's about increasing my readership, but more than that, I bleed freely here.  Lap up the thoughts that spill out and frame the dreams that make me who I am.  Let feminism wrap around you until you feel empathy for what the women in your life feel on any given day. Know that I'm not always nice, and I'm sexual and honesty will come out whether or not you're ready for it.  I won't hide behind or from what I write because it's who I am and I'm not ashamed.

All night my phone has been alerting me that I'm on someone else's mind, but my mind is running laps around a water cooler and the many potty breaks that I seem to end up on as I spend way too much time making myself cups of tea.

Love Attachments

Allergy Warnings