My kids came home from their Dad's house on Monday. Early Tuesday I started feeling mild chest pain, with leg cramps. I had a feeling it was just stress. It seemed to get worse with every tantrum and meltdown I was forced to moderate. At one point I almost called my husband to come get the kids so I could go to the hospital, but I decided against it because I didn't really want to give him anything to hold against me. He's already threatened me about the last two hours of respite I asked for. And again, I wasn't sure it wasn't all just in my head.
He had kid1 text me they were on their way, and I started packing for a possible hospital stay. I grabbed devices and chargers. I threw in clean underwear, a hairbrush, toothbrush and toothpaste. These are things I used to have him run and grab for me, but I wasn't even telling him. And I haven't replaced him as my go to person yet, so I plan more closely than I used to.
He picked up kid3 and I got in my car. I returned my niece's call that I missed while kid3 was on my phone. He ignores people, and I could really learn from him, or start using him as an excuse. I let her know what I was up to because it seemed responsible to let someone know where I was headed. Then I spent almost 6 hours in the ER.
Having a history of pulmonary embolisms and current chest pain makes things move quickly, but you still have to wait for results to be read. I had an EKG and bloodwork done. Then there was a CT scan. Then I waited. There was a lot of waiting as other patients were starting to wait on gurneys and wheelchairs in the halls, waiting for a room. I'm not the only one willing to wait for the right time to make sure I'm not dancing with death.
My potassium was very low, but that happens when you forget to eat. I don't eat when I'm stressed, but I prefer that to eating everything I can see. That happens when I'm depressed. That's what caused the cramping that made me wonder if I had blood clots forming. The rest was stress, so it really is all in my head. The chest pain felt just like it did when I had pulmonary embolisms.
The stress I'm feeling is so great that my body is trying to make me think I'm sick, or in mortal danger so that I'm forced to take care of myself. I need to start imagining a baby duck again. That visual was my focus when I was hospitalized for a month during my last surrogate pregnancy. They are so adorable when they're learning to swim and so focused on swimming that the water slides off their backs, and they're persistent with the joys of learning. I don't think about adult ducks. They can be insanely aggressive and much more fearful.
I'm on Facebook more than I'd like to admit, but I don't ignore people when I get a ping. I might wait a bit on responding to emails because most of it is junk mail or spammy forwards. Last night a friend was asking about a sales pitch she wants me to attend. I get the health benefits of what she's pushing. I'm just having a hard time eating regular meals right now. I'm not in a place to buy it, and I'm not interested in selling it either. I answered her questions because they weren't really about me. I also got a message from a high school friend. He's one of those football players I used to hang out with. Always just a friend. He knows how to make me smile, and in chatting with him, my chest pain went away. I'm only sharing a small part of the conversation that happened after we were joking about running and how I want to do it, but he knows me well enough to know I really don't.
Him: Yeah i know...ur a princess.
Me: Well, thank you.
Him: I haven't forgotten! Lmao
Me: I did. I forgot how to be royalty.
Him: Well...time for u to get it back...
And this is one of the main reasons why I'll answer his pings in a heartbeat. Great friends are great to keep around. He's one of the few that checks on me without needing anything in return. I appreciate that.
The doctor was beautiful. He had yellowish brown hair that was probably a dark gold in the sun, he kept it fairly long and as I saw him throughout the night, it was in various stages of being combed neatly, and falling wildly over his ears, like running his hands through it was soothing a stressful day. His hair looked soft, and I wanted to sample a feel. He was tall and clearly took his workouts seriously. He had soft brown eyes and a slight Italian accent to match his name. And yes, I did repeat his name a few times. There's something so sensual about Italian names. I didn't even look to see if there was a wedding band. I don't plan to go back or ever see his smile again. At the end of the night, this handsome man that crafts miracles for a living looked me in the eyes and told me to take better care of myself and stay away from caffeine. That was the best medicine.
I stopped at the grocery store for bananas, avocados, coconut water and dinner. Potassium is happening because leg cramps suck. I walked around a bit before deciding that yes, hard salami and havarti are acceptable for dinner. Salami for dinner is a perk for being a grown up without kids for the night or a husband to cook for.