“I hope to be strong like that one day.”

Those words felt like a gut punch. I was humbled. It was time to check my growth.

I have moments where I look in the mirror and think, “wow, I’ve come pretty far.” There are more moments where I feel like I can’t keep doing this and I’m going to break. It’s daily life as a single mom with more responsibilities than I feel like I should be trusted with.

I was looking through the many inspirational Instagram accounts I follow and saw a post that resonated with me. I shared the meme to my story and it started an unexpected conversation.

I was asked why a person would let go, when love is a constant choice. What if you don’t want to let go, or what if you’re not open to receiving something else.

I’ve been there. In my marriage, it never occured to me that there was something else. There was a choice that I made, and that took away my options. I grew up with a firm belief that this is the point of marriage. No matter how I felt about myself, or our marriage, I had entered a covenant with God. This was bigger than me.

At some point, our world shifted. It wasn’t that I stopped choosing my ex husband. He stopped choosing me. I was determined to wait for him for almost a year after he told me our marriage was over. It was a long journey for me to move on, but it made every other departure so much easier. My first crush and my first date were all about me. I still won’t consider a next, if I’m not over my ex. It’s who I am.

The message on Instagram wasn’t about a choice that was taken from me though. It was about the choice I make every single day as a single woman. In dating, I refuse to settle. If he’s not ready for something real, and I am, it’s time to move on. If he’s looking for something casual, I move on. I’m not a casual woman. If he’s confused, I’m not a compass. I walk away. If he’s feeling unworthy of me, he probably is. That’s an inside job and I wasn’t applying for that kind of position. I don’t see my choice to set a certain standard as strength, but once upon a time, that’s all I would have seen. It’s more of a baseline.

Find Your Baseline

My baseline wasn’t a set of rules that I said were the bare minimum I would accept. It was a visceral reaction to what I wasn’t okay with. It started slowly. I grew up during the 1990’s in Los Angeles. There’s not an expectation of southern hospitality. There’s not always a polite level of behavior. We did some really dumb shit and I’ve seen some things I’ll never forget. I know you cut crack on a mirror because it’ll bounce away on a coffee table. I can tell you about the soft pop of a car window breaking from the broken shards of a spark plug. Boys were “busting missions,” to “prove they were down for the hood,” and I wanted to come see what they were up to. The guys I dated in my teens weren’t about to open doors for me, or take me on actual dates. It’s not likely something they wanted to do, even if it were modeled at home.

I have a lot of respect for the men that learn how to behave differently from how they were raised.

As I started my career after being a stay at home mom, I saw a different kind of culture. I’m used to opening my own doors, and opening doors for others. I was able to convince a co-worker to grab a bag from my car for me. We walked down together, and he ran ahead of me, contorting his body so he could open the glass door for me. When I have an issue, I’ll talk about the situation, and men listen. I had to get used to men offering to buy me drinks without the sexual expectation I had grown accustomed to. They treated me with respect and I started to appreciate what that felt like, after the initial shock and mini freak out.

It feels different. That feeling is hard for me to describe, but I can certainly tell when it’s not present. It’s low effort. It’s a delayed response when I ask a question. It’s a general lack of respect for my time and attention.

How much do you love yourself and where is your self esteem?

When I was married, it was easy to see my life as the only option. I didn’t think I was worthy of more. I’m naturally a giver. I’ll be shopping for myself and think of the many things I want to buy the guy I’m into. It might be food, or some random junk he won’t need, but it reminds me of him. It usually takes more self control to not buy something for the guy I’m dating. I want to pour all of my love and affection into him.

But I also love myself. I’m not sure I’ve always liked myself, but I can absolutely say I love myself now. There’s a thin line I dance around when it comes to loving someone. I was raised to give to the point that I have to remind myself to give to myself. It’s not automatic, but intentional and it’s not a huge deal when he’s reciprocating. I might not even notice that I stopped focusing on me. But what if he’s not filling up my love bucket, while all of my energy is on him?

In life, I’m either giving or taking, but I can’t do both. If I’m taking, it’s about filling an emotional void. I might be in more of a shopping mood, but it’s really just an internal shift in me. If I’m giving, it’s about feeling so good that I want to share my joy. If I’m so willing to give, but he’s not, leaving becomes self preservation and an extension of self love. I can’t say I love myself if I’m not willing to give myself the very minimum I’m offering him.

Am I bottomed out, but topping him off? How is that love? Is that where my value is . . . In someone outside of myself? These aren’t always easy questions. They’re not supposed to be.

What Language Do You Speak?

It’s so easy to fall into a pattern of putting someone else’s needs and desires ahead of your own. As a little girl, I was taught that femininity was found in making things easy. I was taught to serve, stay quiet, and not make trouble. Good girls sat quietly and didn’t pick fights. As an adult, this meant I never asked for what I wanted. The men in my life got used to not hearing it, or stepping all over the timid voice I had.

Gary Chapman wrote the Five Love Languages, and you can find quizzes and assessments on his site. The idea is that we have a cup that needs filling and certain acts of love will fill that cup. It depends on the love language you speak. It’s possible that the person you love doesn’t know how to speak your language, but it’s also possible they don’t care to. Learning this will help you decide where you fall.

Words of Affirmation - I love you. I appreciate you. I acknowledge you. I like your butt.

Acts of Service - Taking the trash out. Helping with laundry.

Receiving gifts - Thoughtful tokens of appreciation that show you were thought of when you weren’t present. Hand picked flowers. A stuffed animal. Cigars or postcards.

Quality Time - Spending time together intentionally. Date night. Shared hobbies or passions.

Physical Touch - Hugs, massages, hand holding. Kisses.

Treat yourself.

The easiest small step you can take in finding your voice is to treat yourself. Pick a restaurant you want to go to. Pick food items that look good to you. When I take myself out to restaurants, it’s about epicurean delight. I want to pick something with a pretty view. I want food that excites me. I want it to be artful and delicious. I want the textures to feel exciting. I choose to eat alone. There are no judgements or fear of judgement when I’m alone.

Buy yourself jewelry. You’ll stop accepting what is given to you, and start appreciating what appeals to your tastes.

Pick out lingerie that speaks to you. What makes you feel sexy? It took a while to realize it’s not the negligee, but the matching bra and panty set that felt sexiest to me. One day I decided total comfort was sexiest on me, and that means I prefer my bare skin when I’m home alone. This also means a lot of time looking in the mirror like this. When you can appreciate how beautiful your body is, you can understand the premium on that gift you are choosing to share. If I know how lucky he is, I can tell when he’s not acting like he just won the ultimate lottery.

Now that I spoil myself lavishly, I understand how small of an effort that is for me. I know how it feels to treat myself this way and I want to do it for those I love. When I get less than my small but constant expressions of love, and I’m willing to give so much more, I can see where I’m wasting my efforts.

Set boundaries.

When you find that baseline creeping higher, you’ll feel when others are treating you below what you’re willing to accept. It’s easiest to set boundaries with new people. You’ll choose whether to interact, or you’ll decide they don’t know how to talk to you. You don’t need to teach them. When you get to set boundaries with people that already know you, expect some push back. Expect some anger that the boundaries you are setting are not making their lives easier. Expect them to be insecure about how to talk to you. You’re teaching someone how to respect you, and it’s not going to be easy, but it’ll be worth it.

Respect really is the minimum. It’s about admiring a person for who they are, and how they maneuver in this world. I won’t date someone I can’t respect and it starts with whether or not he respects me. If there’s respect, there’s also listening, encouragement, helpfulness and gratitude. It’s hard to imagine a relationship of choice without all of these things.

How Do You Feel?

Relationships help us understand our world and ourselves. How do you feel around your relationships? Do you feel good? Are you inspired and encouraged? If you aren’t around people that make you feel better about yourself, why aren’t you choosing to be alone?

Not A Good Fit?

What if you do the work only to realize the relationship is one where you can’t stay in it and live your best life? If you’re into fishing at all, the phrase is, “catch and release.” I’m not a fish.

Bless and release. Bless the relationship with gratitude for the good that made you stay. Bless the person that was worthy of your love. Release it all. Maybe the other person will decide they need to change. Maybe they won’t. If you hold on for dear life, you’re not giving them or you space to grow. When you release, you are forced to open your hand and heart wider. Maybe something bigger can fall into your open spaces. Maybe you’ll create room for growth. It’ll be uncomfortable, but anything worth having always is.