Blog by Yessica Maher, los Angeles Native.

She explores life after marriage, starting a career in her late 30's, relationships, breaking cycles of abuse, online dating, self care, fertility and depression. 

It's all over the place, but so is living. 

FB Live - Set Your Intentions or Pray for Miracles, Signs and Wonders

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Imagine being able to manifest the life you want by focusing on the outcome you want.  That would be uniquely amazing, right? Maybe a little crazy.  But is it crazy? There’s the book and movie called “The Secret.”  I don’t remember if I read the book but I watched the movie.  I thought there would be a plot but watched several people talking about manifesting the desires of their heart by focusing on them like they’ve already become part of their lives.

I grew up in a Christian home.  We didn’t set our intentions or manifest things.  We prayed.  With just a little faith, we believed our prayers would be answered. With the authority of a son and the acknowledgement of his blood sacrifice, we believed that we could "speak what is not as though it were." If I grew up Pagan, I would have called that blood magic and necromancy.  It's syncretism.

Transitions Will Force Change.

A couple of years ago I was a stay at home mom.  I didn’t work for 15 years and for the most part my ex supported us.  I got scholarships and carried babies as a surrogate, but I really didn’t work as a gainfully employed contributing member of society.  Towards the end of the marriage, I was only working part time.  And then he left.  He promised to never support me again, and he’s been good to his word.  I support the kids on my own when I have them just as he supports them on his own when he has them. We’re single parents.

The shock of the transition means I had a lot to figure out very quickly. I was in prayer nonstop at first.  Not so much lately, but the consistent thoughts running through my head are the same.  Call it a prayer, mantra or belief, but I was determined that I would always have just what I need and we would be okay.  We have been. Following are some examples of ways when things worked out so I had exactly what I needed as I told myself we would have enough.

The Car

There were a few times when my car issues were shining examples of having just enough and being carried through on just what I needed.

We were often buying used cars in terrible shape.  We would drive them until we couldn’t anymore and every year we bought another used car that was nearly dead.  Just before Christmas right after the split, I was driving to my sister’s house, about 20 miles away from home.  It wasn’t until I got off the freeway that I noticed my car didn’t sound right.  It was as I was getting closer to her house and turning the corner to find a parking spot that my power steering went out.  I figured I was out of fluids and when I was leaving her house, drove to the nearest gas station, two blocks away.  I got my car parked, and bought fluids only to find my car just wouldn’t start.

My sister met me at the gas station and we walked to the two blocks to her house.  She had a new set of pajamas I could wear.  She found a new toothbrush for me as well.  Her husband wore contacts and I was able to borrow a case and use his solution.  At the time, a friend of her husband’s had been staying in their extra bedroom but was gone for the weekend.  I was so cared for in a comfortable bed that night, when I could have been stranded anywhere else.  I could have been stuck on the freeway well after everyone else I knew was asleep.  It could have happened when I had a car full of kids. The next morning my Dad came out to help me get it towed to my Mom’s house where it got fixed by my cousin.  It was the gears supporting the serpentine belt.

A few weeks later, I was picking up my nephew’s girlfriend for some hang out time.  I was planning to teach her how to make baklava.  I heard the sounds, and dropped her off so I could head to my mom's house again for my cousin to fix it.  I got her home, then got just far enough to not walk to her house.  I coasted to a stop on the side of the road in a safe spot just in time for the car to die again.  I was able to get my car towed to my mom’s house, for free with my insurance.  When I got to my mom’s house, I learned that her car had been in an accident and it was getting repaired.  Normally my mom would bail me out and let me borrow her car. I had just been at my first temping job for about 3 weeks.  The hours were full time but it was in no way permanent.  I needed to get to work and I had very few options.

My niece drove me to the dealership where I walked in and said I had no down payment and couldn’t afford more than $300 a month.  They let me drive off with payments of $300.03 and a year later the payments became $299 and change.  I love my little car.  It’s not fancy, but it reminds me that I had exactly what I needed. It was a situation where I was safe, but nudged far enough into a new car.  Even the push that got me to the dealership.

Shoes

As a mom – a single mom, it’s so easy to put your family ahead of yourself.  I love retail therapy and one night I didn’t have my kids, but I was shoe shopping.  My shoes weren’t falling apart but I wanted to replace them.  Responsibility won and I walked out of that store without the shoes.

Call it intuition, or if you’re a person of faith, you can call it the Holy Spirit.  Later that week or month, my mom told me she bought a pair of shoes from Big 5 and wanted to know if they would fit.  They were a perfect fit.  I’m a nearly 40 year old woman.  My mom doesn’t usually buy me clothes or shoes anymore.  She hasn't in about 20 years. The shoes fit me perfectly in a size 10, when my mom wears a size 7.  There was no way she bought them for her and somehow she knew exactly what I needed.  A short while later, my cousin came back from Australia, and brought my sister a pair of Ugg boots.  They were too big for her but fit me perfectly.  I had just what I needed. Twice.

Clothes

I’ve learned that break up depression means I lose quite a bit of weight.  In the first couple of months, I lost about 30 pounds without trying.  My clothes wouldn’t fit at all.  My mom had a friend that was cleaning out her closet.  My Dad had a cousin I saw once and she was cleaning out her closet.  I was so supported in that time, and gifted from both directions to the point that I had so much more than I needed.  Everything fit perfectly and there was so much that I could be picky and pass on a few things.

Words

During that time with my Dad’s cousin, I was given the words I needed to hear.  She saw my posture.  I was still pretty devastated and broken from my husband leaving me.  I was still wearing the weight of the things his girlfriend said to me through his phone.  I was probably still in that space where my oldest had to remind me to take care of them and make dinner because I was too upset to focus on their care.  She was the first person to really ask me if I knew who I was.

She reminded me that her blood ran through my veins.  She reminded me that we come from strong women and generations of tough circumstances.  Prevailing is my birthright . . . it’s in my blood.

There were times when I had just the right words at the right time.  Sometimes it was just the soft breathing of my sister as I wailed and cried on the phone with her. (She knew divorce and what I needed to hear.  She didn't know miscarriage and she was very present for both.)

In the beginning, when I really wanted to hold onto my marriage, I heard story after story of couples that broke up, had full relationships and were able to reconcile.  I wanted that so desperately and I had story after story of people I knew that did exactly that.

A short while ago I was able to offer that same moment to a stranger.

It was exactly what was needed at the perfect time and it doesn't always have to be about me.

Money

There were times when I didn’t know how I would feed my kids.  When my ex first got his apartment is when he stopped supporting me entirely.  I went from scraping by and barely having enough, to having nothing at all.

I’ve had several temporary jobs that ended before we got comfortable. My mom helped where she could and I was able to get assistance from the county, but it wasn’t enough.

There were times when I was shocked at the kindness I was offered.  I had people that knew me but weren’t part of my everyday life reach out to support me.  I was offered gas money and groceries, and money to "buy my kids something frivolous for Christmas." I was visiting with a friend and I assumed her mom didn’t speak English because the whole time she sat quietly as we pieced a puzzle.  She first told me about her reconciliation, then offered me money out of the blue.   I felt so much gratitude for those moments and remembered my prayers . . . chanting . . . mantra, that I would have enough.

There was one day of returns to make and household shopping. I put the cash in my wallet from returns and used my debit card for purchases.  When I was ready to go home, I balanced my checkbook. With my shopping, I ended up overdrawing my account by the exact amount I had from making returns. I was able to make a deposit before heading home. I had just enough.

Grace

I consider grace to be unmerited favor.  I have felt this repeatedly though out the last two years.

Most recently, I had a miscarriage in April.  I was 12 weeks along with twins and very excited to have them.  It was rough at first because it wasn’t a surprise I wanted, but at this point I was bonding with them and excited about the babies.  When we lost them, I expected that the hospital would just do what is normal for "medical waste" and I had no options to say goodbye.  It was surgery.  It was clinical.  It was black and white and there was no space for the loss I couldn’t stop feeling.

My boyfriend had a conversation with his big brother that prompted us to get their remains released to us.  That was a turning moment where we had just what we needed to have.

The next moment came as I was reaching out to the pathology department.  I told the doctor and nurses that I wanted their remains before the procedure, but no one told pathology and they were nearly disposed of.  As I made calls to get them cremated, I was looking at paying several hundred if not thousand dollars to have my babies cremated.  I happened to call the right person in pathology to know I needed to talk to Decedent Affairs.  The person in Decedent Affairs knew who to get me connected to and Natural Grace Funerals took care of my babies, with us only needing to pay for the crematory fees.

Through the right conversations and support along the way, we had our babies cremated and returned to us.  It’s still an impossible situation.  I’d be lying if I said we got through it and we’re not still mourning.  But we had the support we needed to do what we needed to do.  I'm still dreaming about them.  My boyfriend is still feeling the things you are supposed to feel.  But sometimes that's how we need to address the miracle and the loss.  I've been able to get through it with just enough compassion and warmth from my support team.

Sometimes the reason or the "enough" isn't easy to see until I'm using hindsight.  I still expect to see it.

Even this morning I was in a minor car accident.  I'm okay, but I'm looking for the why of it and the reasons it will be enough of what I need, exactly when I need it.

Set your intention and watch support for that to show up.

The point is we decide what we can expect, and once you choose, you’ll see things fall in place that support your belief.

When I go to the Farmer’s Market or Grocery Store, I just pick up what I want.  For the most part, I don’t need to debate things. Regardless of the cost, if I need eggs, I’m going to buy them.  I made the choice.  I was intentional with putting the eggs in my cart when I put them on my list. Following through is easy after that.

There have been a few times in my current relationship when I was on the fence.  Do we go forward.  Do we walk away? What do I want? Is our status quo serving me more than the cost? I know I want to be with him, but there have been times when I wasn’t choosing.  I was sitting on a fence and being uncomfortable about it.  (Fences aren't made for sitting on.) Most recently I had a conversation with my ex, and another one with my sister.  It was in those moments when they didn’t argue either case  but gave the perspective they had that I could witness their perspective against my own, and I could see what I wanted.

It’s like a coin toss.  It’s not whether the coin lands on heads or tails, but the result you are hoping for when it’s in the air.  Decide what you want and the support you need shows up because you know to look for it.

What you secretly hope for is what you are choosing.  Stop acting passive about the life you get to live, and choose to live boldly.

For so long I decided I would need just enough.  Now I’m deciding I need so much more.  Dream.  Dream big.  No matter the size of your dream, it’s not here until you make it happen.

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