Blog by Yessica Maher, los Angeles Native.

She explores life after marriage, starting a career in her late 30's, relationships, breaking cycles of abuse, online dating, self care, fertility and depression. 

It's all over the place, but so is living. 

Alpha Female

I was chatting with a co-worker about my latest life transition and he asked if I've always been an Alpha Female.  It caught me off guard.  I've never heard of it, and never thought about what it means.  I mean, sure, I know what an Alpha Male is because those boys try to put their penis on everything.  Rarely you might find a man that knows he doesn't need to show the world what he is.  It's expressed in all he is. (Melting over here in the idea of how hot that is.) In chewing the idea later, I asked another friend and he immediately agreed.  I show up to him as an Alpha Female. He also pointed out that I need an Alpha Male.  As I was driving to the ocean, I thought about it and he was right.  The man I was talking to last week was definitely an Alpha.  He was strong and confident, and not intimidated by me.  I pushed my blog toward him and it didn't scare him.  He wasn't afraid of my boldness, and even said he liked the fact that I'm ballsy.  In the end, I decided he wasn't the one for me but he was the first man to really matter in my recent dating history and he's an Alpha Male.  He showed up as unafraid of my intensity. . .  my confidence. . .  my brazen approach to living epicly. . . and at the core of my identity, being an Alpha Female.

I got home and decided to look it up because the concept is still fairly nebulous and the definition and of course this gospel comes from Urban Dictionary.

An Alpha Female is a "dominant female in a group. She dates as many males as she wants, is strong and confident, and a hard worker as well as often busy. She is usually sarcastic because she's powerful and playful. Alpha Females are intelligent, intellectual problem solvers; and though being an alpha female is more of a state of mind than a physicality, an alpha understands that dressing up or sexy increases her power in society, so she does it. Alpha Females are often terribly misunderstood by Beta and lesser males, as evident by the other posts about Alpha Females, and when this happens, she's called a bitch, a cunt, or a whore ... Alpha Females prefer passion over romance, although if it's romance coming from an Alpha Male, a hootttttt one, that's another story..."

Oh my dear Lord, someone has been watching me from inside my head!

Do I feel dominant?

No.  I don't feel like I need to be powerful over anyone as long as I feel it coiling as strength within me.  I get a lot of compliments on my walk.  It was one I started faking as an adolescent.  I learned to walk to the beat of a song, with my arms swinging in opposition from a diva dance teacher in high school.  I saw how it could hold attention and I lost it in my marriage.  Years later I was getting ready for a new job and none of my clothes fit anymore because the divorce diet changed my body so much.  A relative invited me to her home to raid her closet.  We had only met a few times.  She saw me slouch in my seat, my depression a weight on my shoulders and holding my body in defeated repose.  She told me that I needed to stand tall.  She told me my legacy was from the bloodline of strong women and it runs through every woman in my family. I represent the women in my family and I needed to walk like I own the pride I was born into.  I take one step at a time, one foot right in front of the other.  I feel the off balance sway of my hips with my shoulders back and my head held high.  I look people in the eye and smile at them because it's free and an expression of my gift to love the life I get to live.  It's often referred to as a model walk, but it's just a mom walk. I can teach you, but it's not something to learn.  The walk is an outer expression of my identity.  If you have to learn it, you're already over thinking it.

Dating . . .

Yes, I'm dating. No, no one is special.  I often joke that I can't get a date, but really, I'm content in being picky.  My time alone is a sacred space and for me to invite someone into it means I see something special enough to spark my interest.  I'm always on the lookout for the man that can turn that spark into an ember.  I will give him space to make decisions about where we go and what time he wants to see me and I'm often disappointed.  I usually direct him to my blog and give a nudge to see if he runs away.  He usually does, so dating myself is enough to make me happy for now.  When I find my Alpha Male . . . When he's worthy of being someone I wouldn't mind following, we'll be a force of strength that no one can reconcile.  The men I've been dating have all been nice, but not what I would consider an Alpha.  The one I was talking to was the first to elicit an emotional response from me that I didn't invite or encourage.  It was primal and so sexy.

Hard working and usually busy.

I don't half ass anything.  If I'm willing to commit, it's going to be a full on adventure for me.  Busy means I'm not sitting at home and wondering if anyone is thinking of me. I'm thinking of me.  If I mention where I'm going, it's an invitation, because most things are kept quiet until I'm done.  If you don't have the initiative to speak your interest or just join me, that was an opportunity you passed up.  You are allowing your life to filter around and through you and that is not who I am anymore and I don't have the patience to hold hands through what you can decide you want on your own. Does this make me a hard ass? Absolutely.  I'm okay with that.

Sarcasm, me?

I'm still finding that voice.  I can be gentle and kind.  It's my default demeanor.  On the other hand, if you show me you don't respect me or want me to be less so you can appear to be more, I have no problem showing you where I've placed you, even if that means you don't deserve the effort of my response.  I sometimes enjoy dismissing people.  Have you seen my Instagram?

Intelligent, Intellectual Problem Solvers

I'm entirely sapiosexual.  I love smart men and I love being able to figure out a problem or puzzle.  It drives me.  And I've said it before, but I might be part zombie.

Dressing up or Sexy

I'm no longer weatherproof.  I value sweaters and layers of clothes and I no longer pretend I don't feel how cold it is for an outfit.  That doesn't mean I can't dress up.  I know how to put on a full face of makeup.  I know how to get my hair to behave.  I know how to accentuate my breasts or reveal my legs.  You can take me to a fancy dinner.  At the end of the day, I'd be happy in jeans, a t-shirt and bare feet.  My sensuality isn't tied to my clothes though and I will wear what feels good because sexy is a state of mind and I always embody it. There was a Facebook live and a blog post.

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All the time, but it's not my job or desire to make anyone else feel better about the choices I make.  It's not my responsibility to coddle anyone through the consequences of their choices either.

Alpha. I accept this.

Thursday, November 17, 2016 or The Day I Filed For Divorce

What is Romance?