Blog by Yessica Maher, los Angeles Native.

She explores life after marriage, starting a career in her late 30's, relationships, breaking cycles of abuse, online dating, self care, fertility and depression. 

It's all over the place, but so is living. 

What's Opening Up for Me

What's opening up for me is I woke up with more drive and less being driven. What's opening up for me is less being seen and more of the experience of seeing. Standing in the sun today was a new experience and it was more than the heat of the sun or the chill of the wind blowing soft strands of hair across my face.

What's opening up for me is I can ask for what I want and I can state my case.  I don't need to beg and plead because that is what empowerment looks like.

What's opening up for me is the idea that I need to talk to the boys about my dating again.  We had a talk at first.  It was clear, Mom is just having dinner, if even that and no one special is in my life.  I couldn't see more than that but I can see it now. I can see a future that once felt out of reach. I couldn't see anyone being special enough to meet my boys before but I can now.

What's opening up for me is I've always been able to fight and advocate for my boys and there's no reason I can't do it for myself.  That doesn't mean "I'm all about that thug life."  I'm just no longer a martyr and I don't need to make anyone my bitch.  I can just be and know that I'm capable.  I am aware that my inaction was always a choice I no longer have to make.

What's opening up for me is I chose to share my lunch with someone else today (first time since 1999), and we talked and I shared with her how amazing my latest perspective shift has been.

What's opening up for me is I don't need to know the how, I just need to decide what and why.  Everything else comes when and how it's meant to.

What's opening up for me is there's no reason to wait when I know what I'm already eager to step into. It doesn't have to look exactly as imagined and it can surpass my vision if I'm open to that possibility.

What's opening up to me is the responsibility of knowing I am my only obstacle and my only motivation.

Owning It