Blog by Yessica Maher, los Angeles Native.

She explores life after marriage, starting a career in her late 30's, relationships, breaking cycles of abuse, online dating, self care, fertility and depression. 

It's all over the place, but so is living. 

Saying Goodbye To An Epic Couple of Months

I was off of work, but sat at the desk that I probably should have claimed when I first started.  The sun filtered through the haze that settled over Hollywood all day.  The pale pink sky didn't quite reach the red and flaming cotton candy look.  It was muted and ethereal, unlike clear evenings that can't hold the colors painted by a fading sun. I started my goodbyes today.  There were some people that I wanted to say goodbye to in person.  There were others I emailed.  One of the girls that started the day I did gave me a candle and probably has no idea how close to tears I was at her generosity and warm heart. It hits me in waves that ebb in hope and flow around me in moments of panic.  There could always be something better. The biggest loss in the job I'm leaving is the visual joy I have had.  The views of Los Angeles from the heart of Hollywood were the best views I've ever had from a job. I think I'll miss them the most.  I loved watching the water fountains in the courtyards around our building.  This past week I've seen sunbathers lounging around pools and stood in the window, feeling the heat of the southern California sun, touching me as I stood in sweet adoration.  The sun was starting to set in the west and it was an overcast day when I started writing.  The haze of cloud cover over Hollywood must have been a respite for the workers bustling around the Cinerama dome red carpet as they prepared for a premier that I really didn't care about.  I had spent yesterday and today slowly removing the pictures and pieces of paper that identified my desk as mine. I had post its and notes. My favorite was from something I scribbled that I saw online.  It reminded me of my husband and said, "I understand the spark is gone and I'm ready for the next step. Let me charge my stun gun." Not a direct quote, but that was the spirit of it.  I had my name spelled out in cardstock to help others remember me.

I'm not angry about the job ending but I am sad.  The company was an answer to prayers, but I believe there are more answers waiting for me.  It put me in a different place than I was and in ways I couldn't imagine.  I found myself in a job I loved and was eager to go to.  I have only had that experience once before and I'm sure one day I'll be matched with a company that will offer more of a challenge and less repetition. I loved the challenge here at first, but I could see the monotony start to take its toll in ounces of boredom that would tip my hand toward chocolate and excuses to watch the skyline, with several surreptitious glances toward his office. Because it's his office and he's usually in there doing office work things. In fairness, I was there for a specific task and I did only what I was meant to.

At this job I've started wearing dresses and heels and putting on make up and taking care of my hair.  I owe that to a woman who is also preparing to depart into the unknown with a dream, a vision, and bravery.  She was the feminine image I wanted to emulate.  Today I wore a low cut dress for the ego boost. I was feeling emotionally bottomed out and wanted to be looked at.  The men I didn't work with had no problem admiring my dress.  The men I work with avoided looking at me or specifically saw only my eyes.  Perhaps it was too low cut.  Last night I fought my sheets most of the night until I woke at 3 and couldn't shut off the worries running through my mind until 5.  Then my inner clock goes off at 6 every morning, so I'm running on too little sleep and lots of peanut M&M's.

At the end of the day I'm a temp with an agency.  Working temporarily and moving on to the next assignment is the nature of what I do. At the risk of gross cultural appropriation, part of me would like to think of myself as a gypsy.  There's a lot of bad in it, but I only see the mysterious seductress that stays for a while until the next job comes along.

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